|
|
Aug 19, 2017 18:42:31 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 18:42:31 GMT
Deimos stared up at the ceiling, letting out a long sigh. It had been just over a week since he told Rosalind he'd stop drinking, and it was not as easy a feat as he'd hoped. He'd even gone as far as downloading the books from Alcoholics Anonymous. Reading them was another story all together, but he had them on his computer. He felt a bit bad, as he'd been much quicker to anger lately, but it was something he was really trying his best to control. Agitation just seemed to be his constant state of being though.
He was having to face his bodily pains head on, despite pain pills. His thoughts were constant nagging, and no amount of reasoning could convince him Rosalind wasn't going to change her mind, throw the ring in his face and go off with the first nice guy she came across (probably Gideon, he'd bet). Or even worse (since she liked him since they met), the first bad guy she came across. She'd find someone who wasn't a problem, wasn't deaf, wasn't mentally ill, wasn't... him. She'd find him too clingy, too needy, and leave him. It scared him, because every flaw he had seemed to be exemplified. Surely she would notice. She had to. He felt like every bad part of him was on display with neon signs. He still couldn't even wrap his head around the fact that she said yes.
His thoughts were loud, and he wanted silence. It never came though. When he tried to sleep, his thoughts seemed the loudest. Even with Rosalind cuddled up against him, he was convinced he'd push her over the edge, that being abandoned by her was inevitable. He would snap too quickly one day and lose her. He knew it was all in his head, but that didn't stop it from making him worry over those thoughts constantly.
He'd been more careless as of late. Nothing noticeable, but he'd get a scratch here, and bruise there, from doing stupid things. He dropped a cutting board on his foot the other day, and he was convinced he broke something, but he could still walk on it so probably not. His hand ran into a knife, or something, and the cuts he got a week prior were now joined by new ones. He didn't really care, but he was worried Rosie would notice. That'd she comment on his self harm. He knew that was probably worse than his drinking, but it wasn't something he could just stop. Hell, he began holding the bartenders accountable for not serving him alcoholic beverages. Thankfully, they obliged, but all this was overwhelming and stressful and hard. He wanted stronger pain meds. Something that could put him to sleep and silence his mind. Maybe even forever. His mind seemed to think on it's own. No, no... Don't need to do that. He told the thought, shaking his head wearily. Suicide was something he never wanted to turn to again. He had things to live for, but suicidal tendencies seemed to stay with him. Always have to have a vice, huh? He scolded himself.
He raised an arm and rested his hand on his forehead, looking at his arm. He never realized how littered his body was with scars; he'd always been careless, even as a kid. Even though his parents never taught or told him as such, he had always felt like an other. Like he shouldn't have been born. While he was growing up, it seemed every time he looked up information on hybrids, they were mistakes, abominations, shouldn't exist. Of course, now that his mind was tainted with all the negative connotations, hybrids were becoming more tolerated and, much slower, accepted, but it almost felt too late for him. Younger hybrids had it easier, and it was becoming mysteriously more common to find hybrids like Felix, or at least hybrids with very few problems, than it was in the past. What was changing? Why were they so lucky? Maybe one day there'd be a hybrid that could reproduce, even, with the way the genetics seemed to be changing for them.
That was another thing nagging him. He really didn't know Rosalind's stance on kids, and despite now being engaged, it seemed like it was too soon to ask her. If she wanted kids, what could be done? What if she left him for that reason? There were so many reasons for her to change her mind, too many, it seemed. He could probably list a hundred reasons why she'd leave him and yet had... possibly one reason why she'd stay.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 19, 2017 20:33:39 GMT
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 19, 2017 20:33:39 GMT
Why was today so long? Every day seemed to drag on forever lately. While she wasn't as far gone as Deimos, her only have been drinking for a month compared to his years, the lack of alcohol was effecting her more than she wanted it to. Sleep was all but a distant memory for her, and whenever she did sleep, if at all, it was littered with nightmares, and she was awake within hours anyway.
The lack of sleep had a visible change on her personality. It had gotten to the point where being her chipper self was near impossible. And since she'd begun wearing her ring, her "friends" began avoiding her as well, not wanting to be associated with someone who was with Deimos. That part didn't bother her so much, she had seen it coming when they had begun dating, even when they became friends and people gave her weird looks. Rosie didn't really try to hide it from Deimos either, there wasn't a need. At this point it was pretty obvious she'd become isolated, but she tended to avoid conversations about it.
That wasn't the only thing she'd begun avoiding. While she had zero regrets about accepting his proposal, or requesting for him to stop drinking, being around Deimos currently was becoming harder for her to do. Rosalind had no intentions of leaving him, but with her lack of energy, her control over siphoning and empathy had weakened. So she was almost constantly feeling what he was feeling, and anger seemed to be the dominant emotion. Not only that, but she had recently discovered that whatever she siphoned from him was amplified for her. His anger only made her more irritable. It was almost too much.
Rosalind still loved him though, and did keep that bit of information to herself. She could tell he was already questioning her decision to be with him, if he knew just being near him was affecting her in such a way she would never hear the end of it.
She shuffled into the room once she finally reached the building, dropping her bag onto the ground and going straight for the bed. Rosie plopped face down onto it, refusing to move for several minutes. After a while she rolled onto her side, looking at her fiance. Hi, Demi. How are you?
|
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2017 21:51:56 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 21:51:56 GMT
Deimos was so lost in his own thoughts, he hadn't even noticed Rosalind come in until she was already on the bed. He was getting bad at paying attention lately. He figured he could blame that on being sober as well. Even if he couldn't, he would anyway. But paying attention was somewhat important, he didn't like being snuck up on. It was only when Rosie spoke did he realize he'd been dissociating, wearily blinking himself back to reality. I'm okay... You? He replied, keeping it simple. He stared up at the ceiling, not turning to her, as if it would have answers to all his questions.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 19, 2017 23:22:02 GMT
via mobile
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 19, 2017 23:22:02 GMT
Rosie sat up slowly, wincing as pain coursed through her back. Her shoulders in particular were sore, but moving hurt. Tired and hungry. She responded, rolling her shoulders. A massage would be heavenly right about now. She moved so that she could lean against Deimos, closing her eyes. The empathy wasnt too bad right now, so she could touch him without being overwhelmed. What's wrong? She asked him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 3:45:04 GMT
Deimos let out a huffed laugh, letting her cuddle close. We're always tired and hungry lately, hmm? He said wearily. He didn't miss her wince, correcting his comment, Tired, sore, and hungry. He would have no qualms about giving her a massage if she asked, but really he didn't know how to massage in a way it would help without irritating her wounds. Old wounds. He looked at the hand still resting against his forehead. He hadn't intentionally cut since he was a teen, usually just being careless (or, "careless" if you may) to indirectly get hurt. His wrist felt like it was burning, and he brought his hand down and rubbed it against his pants, hoping to get the feeling to go away. Maybe he was thinking about it too much. I think too much. He answered, being completely honest about it. No point in lying; despite that being pretty cryptic, it was exactly what was plaguing him.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 20, 2017 5:45:27 GMT
via mobile
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 20, 2017 5:45:27 GMT
Rosalind nodded slowly, letting out a deep sigh. It's because neither of us can ever sleep. And I'm always too tired to eat properly. Rosie huffed lightly, rubbing at one of her shoulders. I've been in more pain than usual today. I don't know why.
She looked up at him, noticing his hand on his forehead, her eyes slowly moving down his arm as he lowered it. She reached out to grab it, a frown growing on her face as she noticed the scars on his arm and hand. A lot of them looked old but a few of them were definitely recent. What happened? She questioned, looking at him again.
At his other statement she sighed, picking at one of his finger nails. Him saying he thought too much was an understatement, and a statement that didn't need to be made. Even without being an empath Rosie could see the gears turning in his mind more often than not. What are you thinking about?
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 6:12:14 GMT
Deimos was about to comment on her being sore and tired and hungry when she noticed his arm. Quick! Think of something! His mind seem to tell him, but annoyingly enough it was finally quiet. I uh... He pulled his arm away, unsure of what to say, so he made up probably the worst excuse he could think of, At work, someone keeps putting the knives in the sink, it was him, he'd do it to get out of having to do dishes, just to have the chance to do anything else. He was fine helping and working in the cafeteria, but he was constantly sent to do dishes. He could cook, sort of. Since I'm always the one made to do dishes, they kind of uh.. attack. He hoped it was convincing. It wasn't a complete lie, just most of those cuts or nicks were minor in comparison, and mostly on his hands.
Honestly? He asked her. He could go on and on about intrusive thoughts, the thoughts that made him constantly anxious, constantly hold his breath for the words, 'I'm leaving you,' to be uttered. Even when he tried to rationalize his thoughts, that she wouldn't have agreed to get engaged if she didn't like him, that this kind of thinking was just bpd, it didn't help. His mind would essentially throw it back at him, it may as well have been saying 'but what if it's not just that?' His breath caught in his throat for a moment as his brain presented a new hypothetical question: what if she decided she hated him for not being there? Not being able to help when she needed his protection the most? I don't even know where to being. He told her, his face forming into what seemed like an angry frown. All the reasons you'd leave me, how I regret my promise to stop drinking, how I'm weak for regretting it, how I hate being annoyed all the time but the feelings won't go away and so that's probably reason number one why you'd leave... it all ties into each other.
There's more, if you want more, but I think you get the idea. He was trying to keep it nonchalant, but the weight of all the thoughts felt like they were bearing down on him, and it ended up sounding more sad than he intended.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 20, 2017 16:14:41 GMT
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 20, 2017 16:14:41 GMT
Rosalind looked at him, a frown on her face as he pulled his hand away and hesitated to answer. Was he lying to her? Why would he need to do that? He wasn't hurting himself on purpose, was he? Rosie sighed, letting the subject go. There was no point in questioning him if he clearly didn't want to tell her, and she was too tired to press him further.
As he began telling her of the things his mind was plaguing him, she could feel her heart slowly breaking. Did he really think of her like that? Thought that she would just up and leave him so simply? Rosie's eyes filled with tears before she could stop it, and she let out a breath. Demi... She started, looking away from him and wiping her eyes. Knowing that he though this of her surprisingly hurt. You really think I'd leave you like that? That after everything we've been through together I could bring myself to be so heartless as to leave?
Rosie stood, wrapping her arms around her waist, her chest hurting. Did he want her to go? Sure he had problems, but what hybrid didn't? He didn't have the best past, and she didn't expect him to be all sunshine and gumdrops. He was brooding, and pessimistic and wounded. But if any of that bothered her she wouldn't have fallen in love with him. Wouldn't have said yes to his proposal. Demi I love you, you know that right? I wouldn't have said yes to marrying you if I didn't want to. I wouldn't have asked you to stop drinking if I didn't think you could. The tears began sliding down her cheeks and she sniffled. I'm sorry I asked you to do something so hard, but its only because I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I don't want to lose you. I'm afraid of losing you Deimos.
|
|
|
|
Aug 20, 2017 17:26:45 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 17:26:45 GMT
Deimos got up and scooted to the edge of the bed. Great, now he'd upset her. No, of course not! He insisted, but with telling her everything on his mind, he wouldn't be surprised if she didn't believe him. I know, I know. He repeated. He really hadn't meant to make her upset, but that was apparently just part of his job. He was clearly horrible at this "being engaged" thing. He didn't know what to say. What to tell her to convince her this was his mind saying all this stuff, not his heart. Hell, it was his bpd, not even his mind. And that was something he had no control over, not really. He could take medication, antidepressants and probably some antipsychotic to ~make sure~ he had no more fugue states, but all that stuff had side effects and on top of that, no one knew what they would do to supernaturals. He was done being a test subject though, he didn't want to deal with the side effects that were already known, let alone any new ones that could pop up for a supernatural.
If you really want to spend so much time with me, then you're going to also have to spend time with someone who will have these kinds of thoughts. Of course I don't want to believe anything my mind says about you, but I don't have a choice! That's the point of mental illness. He told her, starting to get irritated. And I wish agreeing to stop drinking meant I could have stronger pain pills again, but I still can't and now I have nothing to help ease the pain or silence my mind. Of course I love you too, but I've just been too overwhelmed with being sober and in general dealing with all of this. All my life I've been indirectly told no one would want me, do you really think I can change that way of thinking overnight? I'm going to have days, weeks, hell, possibly even months like this, Rosie. You'll either have to get used to it or give up now.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 20, 2017 18:08:17 GMT
via mobile
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 20, 2017 18:08:17 GMT
Rosalind froze, his words echoing in her mind. He didn't mean that. He couldn't have meant that. But his anger hit her so suddenly, and so hard that Rosie was having a hard time convincing herself otherwise. Especially when her chest hurt from the mix of his emotions and the pain his words. "Deimos..." Rosalind gasped, her hand going to her chest. Her heart felt like it was breaking. "Y-you don't mean that."
She tried telling herself that he was so irritable because of the lack if alcohol, and the constant pain he was in. That he wasn't saying this because he wanted to hurt her. But he wasn't the only one in pain. He wasn't the only one suffering. How many nights had it been now since she'd actually slept? Between the nightmares and constantly siphoning his negative emotions, trying to make sure he was okay, Rosalind was just as tired.
"That's not fair." She whispered. The hurt turned into anger, and the hand on her chest clenched into a fist. You think you're the only one suffering from not drinking? How self-absorbed can you be, Deimos? Do you know how long its been since I've actually slept? Without drinking I have nightmares almost every night. I have to relive the attack, both attacks every night. And then when im awake your so focused on your pain that you dont realize you project them onto me. You think you're overwhelmed but I have to deal with what you're feeling and my own feelings.
Rosalind took a breath, not bothering to wipe at the tears that wouldn't stop coming. You're so focused on yourself, and your past. I get that you weren't told the nicest things when you were younger, and even when you got older, and I get that you cant change your thought process over night. But you've known me for four years now Deimos. In all that time, it never clicked that maybe you don't have to worry about me leaving you? I met you at your worst and I still agreed to marry you. But you cant see past everyone else to realize that. You know, maybe your parents were right. If you think youre so undeserving of love then maybe you are. If you want me to go then maybe I should. She regretted the words as soon as she said them. She didn't mean them, they had come out in heat of the moment. But they were out there, and she couldn't take them back.
|
|
|
|
Aug 20, 2017 19:22:56 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 19:22:56 GMT
Deimos was floored. He felt heavy and his heart sank. He hasn't realized he'd been so oblivious to her pain. He thought he was doing alright considering everything he was going through. And he could agree he could probably be more sensitive, he knew he was pretty absorbed in his own depression. But for her to say that, for her to say those words, really hurt. He felt like his breath was ragged, like something was pressing down on his chest. "Fine then just leave." He told her, not wanting to look at her. He lowered his head to hide tears. Don't go He cried out, but he had no idea if it was reached by her or he just thought it to himself. This was his fate then, he had something, someone so perfect and he couldn't see what was right in front of his face until it was too late. He clenched his hands into fists. He'd messed up, and now he'd probably pay for it for the rest of his life. Cliches aside, she'd be the one that got away from him.
He didn't bother to wait and see if she decided to stay or leave, curling onto the bed and turning away from Rosalind. How could he have been so stupid? So self absorbed? Had he really been that bad that he deserved to be told those words? Probably. It was the nature of bpd, push people away so you can leave them before they leave you. You can be in control of it, even if it means being alone forever. He let the tears fall for once, figuring he'd be unable to stop them anyway. Just as he'd be unable to stop Rosie. A part of him knew he should probably fight for her, apologize or something and work it out. But those words knocked the wind out him, and he felt like he had no energy left to even get up.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 20, 2017 20:35:10 GMT
via mobile
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 20, 2017 20:35:10 GMT
Rosalind felt as if her heart stopped with those words. She knew it was coming, she hadn't meant to tell him that, to bring up his parents. Any anger she'd felt towards him had left as soon as the words left her mouth, and now she was more upset with herself than anything. She wanted to apologize, to hug him and make things right again, but he'd turned away from her, and probably didn't want to talk to her anymore. Probably ever again. I'm sorry. She said quietly. She slowly backed away, a sob ripping from her throat before she finally turned and left the room, the door slamming closed behind her. She leaned against it for a few minutes, trying hard to quell her sobs. It was these moments that made her glad Deimos couldn't hear her. Not knowing where else to go she went to the Courtyard. It was the only place she knew would give her some type of privacy, and was glad when it was indeed empty. Rosalind went to one of the trees, sinking onto the grass and curling into a ball, the tears flowing once more. Why had she said that? She didn't mean it, she would never mean something like that. It was several minutes before she calmed down enough to not feel sick from crying. She pulls her phone from her pocket, scrolling through her music to find something to distract her. The song she found wasn't exactly a pick me up, but it was fitting. She wasn't sure if it would work, or if he even wanted to hear from her, but she held the phone close to her ear, projecting the music from her mind to his as if she were talking to him. |
|
|
|
Aug 20, 2017 21:09:12 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 21:09:12 GMT
Deimos was tired. He cried so seldomly even just the tears that fell exhausted him. He flipped the pillow over to hide the tear stains, rolling into his back. He glanced around, seeing Rosalind had indeed left. He wondered if that was how she really felt. People are more honest when they're upset, aren't they? He was bitter, but he'd be lying if he said he never wanted to see her again. Even though she broke it, she still had a hold in his heart. He wondered how long he'd have to pretend. Probably forever. Pretend he didn't love her. Pretend he was fine alone. Pretend he was happy. Or it could all just end... His mind seemed to think. He subconsciously scratched at his arm. It was bugging him again. It was like his entire body was begging him to just... stop. Quit everything.
Before he had a chance to respond to his thoughts, however, he could suddenly hear music. Music. He could hear it. How? There were words and sounds and so many different melodies he could never dream of picking up. It was beautiful. He listened intently to the music, amazed and also saddened at how much he missed even with headphones on full volume.Rosie...? He asked hesitantly. He really couldn't think of anyone else that would be able to do this. It was exhilarating. He wanted to be able to hear music all the time. He'd never before wished so much for a cochlear implant so he could hear more of this. All the trouble he had in school, having to learn another language when no one knew Greek Sign Language, all that trouble and this was what made him wish for his hearing. Music is beautiful... He thought to her. It was calming him, in a way only Rosalind had been able to do prior. At the end of the song, he was a bit sad for it being over. This probably made her (more) tired, most of her abilities did, but he wished she could do that forever. Rosie, can you come back... we'll talk. He said. Even his thought sounded defeated, tired. Like he'd given up. He didn't realize how lost he'd be without her. Four years was a long time to get used to someone sticking by your side no matter what. He was angry and sad about the words she had said, but it couldn't make him stop wanting her by his side.
|
|
▲ I don't want a knight in shining armor. I want my knight to be a survivor.
Engaged to Deimos Beck
| Straight
|
Aug 20, 2017 22:54:47 GMT
via mobile
Post by Rosalind Neveah Bonner on Aug 20, 2017 22:54:47 GMT
Rosalind wasn't sure if what she was doing, or even why she did it. Music always calmed her, maybe she thought it would help him too? She didn't bother asking to see if it worked but she didn't have to, she knew it worked when she heard him call her name. She didn't respond though, unsure of what she would even say. She stated quiet as the song played, a bit sad when it ended.
Her heart jumped a bit when he asked her to come back to the room, unsure of what to do. Of course she desperately wanted to go back, but she was scared. Scared because what she said was mean, and she hadn't meant a word of it. He'd said he wanted to talkm What if he was angry at her? Wanted her to come back so he could tell her he never wanted to see her again?
Eventually she responded, O-okay. She stood, wiping at her cheeks and slowly made her way back to his room. She hesitated before walking into the room, lingering by the door. She was terrified. H-hey...
|
|
|
|
Aug 20, 2017 23:08:30 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 23:08:30 GMT
Deimos was a bit surprised when she agreed to come back. He felt like he was still fuming. He still couldn't believe she had said that to him. He sucked in a deep breath and got up again, still lingering by the end of the bed, leaning forward and staring at the ground. He really didn't know what to say. He just knew they needed to fix this. He couldn't convince himself to live if they left it at this, if he never saw Rosie again. He could kid himself all he wanted that he didn't need her, wasn't dependent on her, but she was a lot of his firsts, including the first one to start healing his heart. If she left now, he'd probably be incapable of trusting or caring for another person ever again.
As she came inside, he glanced up at her only for a moment before looking back down to the ground. Did you mean it? He asked her. He didn't want to know. All the convincing in the world couldn't convince him she'd say no. That he'd be told he fucked up enough to deserve being told that.
|
|
