I Need You (Deimos)

Even though he could smell her come in, Deimos still jumped when Rosalind touched him. He almost expected her to not even want to be near him. Yet here she was. She must have been in the room, maybe, or somewhere on the way from his room to the class room. He peeked his eyes up from his cocoon, hair blocking most of his view of her. He felt shaky, scared. He was worried she'd realize he drank again. Already. He was a failure that could barely get a month of sobriety before just... breaking. He felt like if he spoke, he'd start crying, which was a frustrating and unfamiliar feeling. He never wanted Rosalind to be afraid of him. He thought he had protected her from that, but it turned out that in protecting her he frightened her. He frightened himself, and his feelings from four years ago were so present and familiar. He felt like he was shaking, but his body was so tightly closed in on himself he couldn't actually tell. He didn't even know if he was still dissociating. If he was aware of it, did it still count?

Finally, he raised his head more so he could see at least the bottom of Rosalind's face through his bangs. He didn't know what to say. She asked him to talk but he had no idea what to say to her. So, of course, his mind decided to try pushing her away. It'd be better if he did it, and it wasn't her abandoning him. Weren't you afraid of me? He asked her bitterly.

Deimos leaned into her touch for a moment, almost desperately, before taking his face away and looking away from her. His face went from one of calm just seconds ago to troubled again. Do you think it doesn't scare me? He snapped to her. His hurt kept turning into anger, he couldn't stop it. Even though she apologized, his mind wouldn't stop replaying the look on her face right before she ran. He buried his head again, letting out a shaky breath. Buried like this, all he could smell was alcohol. A reminder of his cowardice. He was getting frustrated and sad and was still hurt, he wasn't used to feeling so many emotions at one time, it confused him.

And why was she crying? The lump in his throat was telling him if he let himself cry, he'd probably never stop. The second black out. The second time he attempted murder. Was he even safe to be around? What if one day he snapped on Rosalind? That thought made it feel like his blood went cold. Maybe he did deserve to be locked away forever. He wondered for a moment what that other hybrid had. Maybe she was a psychopath, something more severe. It had to be more severe, something more than severe dissociation. Who could he trust if he couldn't trust himself? Rosalind was afraid of him, he couldn't believe she meant that apology. Why would her initial reaction have been as it was if she wasn't afraid? The worst part was saying his black out scared her was still him scaring her. His parents had said the same thing, and he ran away from them, at least for a good while with intentions to never see them again, keep distant contact. But he couldn't do that to Rosalind and he knew it. He lifted his head a bit again, looking to her. He still didn't know what to say, his mind was only giving him words to attack her with. He lifted his head enough to rest his chin on his knees, a slight pout forming, and he couldn't bring himself to look at her, I want to believe you but I just... can't.

Deimos remained silent for a bit, letting it hang heavy between them. He still didn't believe she wouldn't leave him, a part of him was 100% convinced he'd do something to fuck up, like relapse, his mind so kindly reminded him, that would become the last straw and Rosalind would leave. He'd lose her forever. His heart was hurting again. He'd experience mild dissociation plenty of time - waking up without realizing he'd fell asleep, or if he even did, and seeing hours had passed. It happened a lot more when he was a student, without anyone to really care what he was up to. But the severe dissociation that happened, and for whatever reason the blood it tended to leave on his hands, horrified him. He put his chin on his knees again, looking at the floor. He's gonna go to the headmaster. I'll be banished. Or worse, forbidden to leave. He can only cover for me so many times, and I attacked a student. He let out a melancholy sigh. "What should I do?" He asked finally looking up to Rosie. His voice was hoarse, like he hadn't used it in years.

Deimos had been so overwhelmed by what was going to happen, he had never even thought of that option. Blakwell was someone who would listen to him when no one else would. But rumors spread fast, and Miles seemed like-no, he definitely was - the type of person to spread malicious rumors, whether he went to the headmaster or not. And who would the other students believe? Surely not him. Maybe Rosie, but most of the students had turned on her, too. He leaned into her hug, but he was worried she'd smell alcohol on him. He felt like he swam in it rather than had just one drink, like it'd be impossible for her to not notice. He loosened his grip around his legs slightly, only to confirm he was indeed shaking.

He looked around before returning his gaze to the floor. He didn't know what to do, and he hated this. All he had wanted was some damn coffee. Now he was at risk of essentially being on trial again. The other teachers hadn't been on Blakwell's side four years ago. They went through a lot of trouble making sure it looked like the researcher had been attacked by a wild animal rather than a person before sliding him into the icy waters. To this day, they didn't know if the body was ever found by the other researchers. Deimos still bore the scar from the researcher, but even with a fresh wound the teachers dubbed him dangerous. They'd kept a weary on him since. How much sway did the headmaster have to get them to agree to let Deimos stay this time, too?

Ultimately he was a pacifist, or so he liked to think. While in school, and even as staff, he'd defend himself if necessary, but usually kept his head down to ignore people. As a child he used to fight easily, it's part why he got expelled so many times throughout elementary school, but as he grew up he grew out of it. He felt cold while also feeling like he was sweating, and he couldn't calm his nerves no matter how much he tried. I want you to finish this semester... but if I get kicked out... then what? He didn't want to think about the chance of becoming like the school-bound hybrid. If she was even still alive, she would be in her thirties by now. He had a feeling she had offed herself; he hadn't heard anything about her in a while. Of course they wouldn't tell another hybrid another one of their kind committed suicide. To Deimos, that seemed like the best route to be the pacifist he believed himself to be, was to get himself out of this world.

His rationality was finally returning, if ever so slightly, and it was helping to numb his nerves and calm his mind a bit. At the very least, Blakwell will hear my side of the story if Miles does go to him, and also all witnesses. I have a feeling Blakwell knows Miles and his friends are trouble. He has a sixth sense about these things. His mind drifted back to after the murder. How he had his shoulder taken care of and was given a comfort food and then the headmaster had just... waited. Waited for Deimos to explain. For how little of the headmaster the students saw, he had a feeling Blakwell kept careful tabs on all of them, but especially the troubled ones. And being one of three hybrid students in the school at the time, he had a feeling he was watched closely throughout his years growing up here. He wondered for a moment if Blakwell was still favoring the hybrids ("secretly," of course, but it was pretty obvious) now that there were a lot more of them.

He sat up a little, again loosening his arms a bit, though still curled up. Blakwell was the only one that would listen to my side of the story four years ago. He's good at being fair. I just hope Miles gets more than a smack on the wrist though. For the pretty strict rules put in place, the teachers are lax about enforcing them. He was surprised teen pregnancy wasn't an epidemic in this school. Sometimes it seemed like the girl's and boy's dorms were only separated in theory, especially once he got to the 18+ dorms and got Cailean as a roommate.

Still, even with his rationale returning, he was nervous about what was going to happen. He couldn't protect Rosalind from over a thousand miles away, let alone could he handle being that far away from her. He was also nervous about her noticing he drank. He wished nothing more than for a piece of gum at the very least. Maybe he'd start carrying some around. Maybe all his worrying about having to leave her at the school wouldn't matter, she'd want him gone anyway because he broke his promise. He tried to calm his emotions, knowing she could pick up on all of them, but they didn't want to listen. He returned his head to his knees, Still, I'm worried about what will happen.

Deimos looked up as Rosalind did, and his face paled a bit as he saw who it was. His face twitched into what started to be a snarl at being called mutt, but it was an insult he was far too used to at this point, looking away and not paying attention until the headmaster was in front of him. Suddenly he felt like he had swallowed glue, his mouth didn't want to work and his brain couldn't form the right words to tell him. This wasn't like last time, he didn't have any (serious) wounds, and the scratches on his arm were obviously Miles defending himself. He wanted to speak but he couldn't, his brain wouldn't send the words to his vocal chords. He buried his head and curled into himself again, shutting his eyes tight as he tried to even his breathing. "Please don't make me leave her... Please..." He begged, his voice a whine, filled with pain.

The headmaster remained calm, putting a hand on Deimos' shoulder. He didn't say anymore to him, instead looking to Rosalind. "Miss Bonner, I'd appreciate it if you let Mr. Beck know he can meet me in my office later to share his side of the story. Make sure he gets to my office, though." He told her, the last sentence said more firmly than the prior. He stood back up and looked to Miles, "I will go forward with my decision on punishment once everyone has had a chance to tell their side of the story." He looked back to Rosalind, "Meaning if you wanted to accompany Deimos to my office, it would be appreciated."

As he felt Rosalind calming him down, Deimos felt like his body suddenly weighed a ton. He pulled away from Rosalind once he felt he could calm down now on his own, he didn't need to wear her out. He hadn't really wanted her to see... well, pretty much any of what happened tonight. His blackout, his resulting break down. It was something he really hadn't wanted to experience again for anyone to witness. He was still upset, but significantly less so.

He used the wall to stand up, stumbling a bit. He'd been in that position too long, hadn't realized how much it hurt until he moved from it. He kept his head down, not looking at Rosalind. I guess we should go then. He told her, not really giving her a chance to siphon anymore from him. He knew he could wear her out on a normal day, without her siphoning from him, he didn't need her too exhausted. He took her hand in his and began walking to the headmaster's office. He was still nervous, still felt like his heart was beating out of his chest, but as much as he hated to admit it, he really loved that Rosalind could siphon emotions because it calmed him down significantly faster than he could ever dream of doing on his own.

Deimos was thankful Rosalind took initiative and went into the headmaster's office first. He felt stiff, awkward as he went inside. He was all too familiar with this office and his mind was still linking what happened tonight with what happened four years ago. He was trying to quiet that though, so he could properly even begin to think of the right words to say. At least he had a larger English vocabulary this time. He sat down in a chair with a long sigh, he still felt tired and his entire body seemed to be as well. "Rosie and I were going to the staff lounge... and Miles was there with friends. We tried to just walk past, but he took her out of my arms and began threatening to assault her..." He looked up, staring straight at the headmaster, a frown deep set on his face. He'd said these words before, they were the most familiar out of this entire night, "And then I don't know what happened."

His eyes traveled to Rosalind. "But she can fill in the blanks, I'm sure." He hadn't meant for it to sound so bitter, but he was one to hold a grudge, even if he said he wouldn't. The look on her face was one he would not quickly forget, and it wasn't even as intentional as the last grudge he held against her (though that one was finally starting to fade just a bit). He returned his gaze back down to his lap, running a finger mindlessly over the scratches Miles gave him.